“What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.” ~ Tennessee Williams
Pride isn’t something I have felt many times in my life… Growing up in a matriarchal culture within a patriarchal paradigm, there weren’t many opportunities to feel proud of identifying as a woman. I often heard that I looked prettier with my mouth shut—as many Latinx children are told—even if it was a seemingly innocuous expression shared teasingly amongst family. Growing up in the south exacerbated the experience, as there weren’t many opportunities to feel proud of the fact that I spoke a second language either… I leaned into my English despite Spanish being my native tongue, & lost many pieces of myself along the way. As a white-passing Puerto Rican, even my ancestry felt heavily fraught with conflicts of identity & colonial politics.
By the time I was maturing into my own sexuality, I was already deeply ashamed of several aspects of myself… It felt easier to accept the cookie-cutter conditioning of hetero-normative partnership even though I rarely saw it working between my own two parents. I pushed down my budding feelings for friends & peers the same gender as me, despite their blossoming as early as the first grade. If I’d had the words non-binary, gender-fluid, or even bisexual alongside those emotions & experiences who knows how much more OR less intense my growing pains would have been. Still, I hate that I never saw a woman kissing another woman until I was already 16 (despite attending magnet arts schools for much of my life)…
It wasn’t until I was an undergrad that I started seeking the safety & security which a queer community can provide. Yet even as a graduate student I found myself still asking my closest lgbtq+ friends (most of them have always been) the same question: “How do you know? I mean, how do you know—for sure.” How I wish I could go back to the first time I asked that question out loud just so I could answer myself: “Oh honey, if you didn’t already know you wouldn’t even be asking!” It took leaving the country—putting an ocean between myself & my multiplying fears—before I finally came out to myself in France. I never announced it because I didn’t need anyone (who didn’t already know) to know.
I didn’t celebrate when I came out (to myself) because it was (& continues to be) a gradual & ongoing process rather than one significant moment in time. I hadn’t changed, but rather come to accept who I’d always been… In hindsight, nearly everything sharpens into focus & becomes that much clearer. I did have a conversation with my mom before moving back to this country, because I wanted to feel safe about the fact that I was returning to the same, small town I’d never really felt safe in before... It was because I felt loved unconditionally during that call that I was finally able to buy my flight here. But it is because I continue to feel that love reflected back to me by an entire community that I’ve been able to stay. To make this place a home.
Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine Lakeland would turn into such a beautiful haven... After half a lifetime away, I can’t believe how much this town has grown & leaned into love—even as hate scratches at the window & prowls at the door—or how much it shows up in support! This Sunday was a testament to that solidarity, & I have honestly never felt prouder to be a part of a community… One that isn’t just queer—but also intersectional, inter-generational, & interfaith. One that has been shaped by Latinx & Trans Women. One that comes together to celebrate food & family just as much as it comes together to have a little fun.
Despite finding myself in hetero-normative partnership once more (I guess I’m just a sucker for a gentle soul, & @seanhults has the kindest of all 🤍)… I love that my partner is also my biggest ally. I love that we attend a church—an institution I was incredibly hesitant to return to serving—that is accepting & affirming. I love that we bumped into children we work with at that church at this local bake sale for trans rights. I love that we bumped into almost everyone we know here in town. I love how seen I feel—how appreciated for just being myself—& I love that I’m finally proud... Proud that I’m alive but not just proud that I have lived. I’m proud that I have loved—on both sides of the binary—& will continue to love deeply, fiercely, & gladly.
